It tingles my heart. What I’ve gone through and what I am going through today is nothing compared to the pain and experiences of others. Those who are still in their hospital beds fighting for their lives, I believe they deserve this spot more than I do.
But yes, this lupus has changed my life. I was once a frustrated athlete. I used to run and play badminton. I used to go out and party all night. Until one day, I can no longer walk an hour. Then I began to lose my skeletal muscle mass and strength. Too weak to do the things I used to love. I was about to leave my job and stay at home instead.
Aside from losing my physical strength, I broke down emotionally and spiritually. Proverbial bad day or perhaps a rough few weeks as if you’re one breath away from the last straw. I sleep less than usual. More of emotional distress is looming large in my life. My mind was so cluttered with repetitive thoughts that something bad is going to happen. Self-hate, feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, and sometimes a suicidal thinking. I had difficulty coping with my everyday situation. I cried to sleep. My whole personal structure was melting.
And above all these, I lose my spiritual wellness. I feel being punished and singled out. I feel betrayed by GOD. I asked HIS intent and purpose. The feeling of “why me GOD” is real. I questioned GOD’s fairness. I may have sinned but to go through this? (Sigh)
But with the help of my family and friends who truly prayed and cared for my recovery I’ve been able to see the perfection of all that has happened. They all part of my journey. The sense of accepting and embracing whatever has happened in my life, realizing it is all an initiation into the deeper mystery of my infinite and unspeakably magical being.
Now here I am, starting to build a good come back. To bring positive difference. Hoping that my story will heal somebody else.
I am PAM DE GUZMAN, diagnosed August 02, 2015 with MIXED CONNECTIVE TISSUE DISORDER (Scleroderma + SLE).